Resolutions

i forfeited all rights for ease of handling
like she did
you can write my story now
and make up any bits you like
and still and all
it will be truth for lack of argument
for the first time
i argue for what's right within myself
no longer is the fight a simple thing
in which i answer all
no thought to consequence
in which i state the terms
and predict the outcome
this is what she did
i would like to call and ask her how she did it
in some ways it breeds in me
more respect for her
in some ways it makes me think
i am weaker for
this new self-doubt
this new sensation of confusion
binds me up
you know i never questioned myself-
thay all do that for me
and you know i never confused myself-
they all confused me
even her, even you
i waited for practicality
and one could say it was noble of me
and some have
but really it was only my fear
and i am afraid to wait now
and i am afraid to not wait
and i am sorely jealous with no right to be so
you know
sometimes i have blessed my fear
for saving me
sometimes i have thanked it
for stalling me
more often though, by far
are the times i cursed it long
for taking all i hadn't even had yet
i resolve that i will reclaim the rights somehow
i resolve that i will be unafraid
i resolve to cease in my self-doubt
and to finally write some decent poetry
so far, so brief
nothing has been done
and many say the things and do not mean them
and many promise but they cannot keep them
i would be forgiven if i failed
i may not be forgiven
if i succeed

olivia bitting 1998

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