lengthy, like the end of us

i'm cold
and any more i am always cold
i don't know if that's something
in my head
or in my heart
and i walked the rainy day
and it got me pretty cold
but i don't mind the rain 
just the chill
like i don't mind the fear
just the not knowing
but i know, i know
patience to atrophy
love to uselessness
effort and strength to righteousness
"wow,
that's so-
righteous, lyv"
'well i'm a pretty 
damn righteous girl'
and then the laugh 
like maybe i did mean it
which is crazy
of course i meant it
and 'so many people
they use the word joy
and don't know what it means
i know i used it
and didn't know what it meant'
i couldn't finish that thought
with: until she said i love you
i cut my hair
for me, for the need to see a new face
with the same old poet eyes
born almost 19 years ago
looking 63 and going to live forever
i wish you understood
i wish i didn't think
deep down
that you do
cause then i could give up and let go
why did you give up?
ah, i know, i know.
i just keep being me
and being true to love and you
no question there
look here, very close,
and see:  i will live forever
don't ever believe there is a moment
when i do not love you
or you cannot find me
these things are like the sun-
true for so long before you and beyond you
they might as well be infinite
and maybe they are
they feel that heavy.
i wish for you
what i wish for me-
that you be strong enough
to never voice me down
brave enough to keep
dry and pure 
and good enough to answer 'never'
without questioning
i would tear my knees up
to change your mind
but i know you'd only disapprove


olivia bitting  1997

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